Hard to handle blessings

"'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops. What if your healing comes through tears. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near. What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise."

God has made everything so clear and opened every door for our family. The road should be paved for us and easy...right?! I should feel confident in my decisions and the world around me should be excited about it....right?! God's voice and presence should be as obvious every day, as it has been up to this point...right?! And our family should continue to bond and fall in love with each other...right?!

Wrong! And let me tell you, that knocked me down in some massive ways. 

Beka and I refer to that next year as, the year of survival. I moved in the end of that July. The kids started back to school and Beka started work on the same day. I refer to the night before that a lot of times. Beka had to be at work at 5 for her first day. So around 8:30 that evening, she announced she was going to bed, wasn't sure when she would see us the next day, and pretty much, let the craziness begin. I remember sitting there in silence as I looked around the living room at the kids. Showers and bed time were about to happen and I was alone. My honest thought was... What have I gotten myself into?

That season Beka averaged about 16 hours each work day. That meant that most of the time, she was absent during the work week. It was common for 3 or 4 days to go by and the kids not see her at all. We knew it was hard for her, but it was also hard for the kids. Somehow in the midst of being amazed by God's hand in things, we looked over an important detail. The kids really didn't know me THAT well. So here they were: father has died, mother has chosen other things over them, nana (Beka) is always at work and Casey is all of a sudden the main person in their lives. Of course Beka and I saw this as a great way God worked things out, and it was. But in the eyes of the kids, it really wasn't that "awesome". It wasn't until a few months ago that Alliyah finally confided in me about this time. She said she loved me, but trust wasn't there (they don't trust a lot of people, and I don't blame them). It was hard for her to only have me there, and not really know me. 

So this led to lots of attitude. And lots of anger. And people, I mean lots. I can only pick out a hand full of days from that time that were good... And that's it. Their hearts were broken and they struggled to figure out how they felt. Alliyah had the attitude, but she also shut us all out. Gavin was the vocal one. Most days he became physical, and everyday you could hear exactly how he felt. Some days it would only last 10 minutes, and others went from after school til bedtime. And those days, lasted forever. These kids were hurting and needed so much. And they deserved the best they could get.

At this point I was still working at the preschool. So my days went like this: get kids to school, work all day, drive home praying for an "ok" day, dealing with whatever emotions they had, homework, dinner, activities, showers and bed. And doing it alone. I don't mean this in a poor pitiful me way, it's just important for the story. They were horrible days. And Beka, bless her heart was exhausted. Not only was she working insane hours, her home life had drastically changed, and most importantly, she found no time to truly grieve her son's death. Life was difficult all the way around. She did her best to be there when she could. But, at the time, it wasn't enough for me. Instead of being thankful for her help, I chose to be negative and say it wasn't enough. Man, honesty is hard! 

I made one huge mistake at this point. I shut Beka out. I felt like she had enough on her plate already. I stopped being honest with her when I saw it was breaking her heart. So, here I was dreading home life, and she was praising God for the fact that it was getting better.  Lesson learned my friends. That helps nobody.

 If I'm honest...i was quite miserable. But, this wasn't the worst thing going on in my life. 

The events leading up to this year happen quickly. Took me by surprise. So, obviously it also shocked the people in my life.  This was the year I lost most of my relationships. Some before I even moved in the house. I was reminded all the time that: Beka was a random choice for a friend, these weren't my kids, I was being used by Beka, was I there for the wrong reasons, I should just walk away because I would get in over my head, or the most common one... All my time was spent there and it wasn't ok. Let me tell you, this came from everyone. Family (mine and Beka's), friends, aquantinces and people I barely spoke to. At most times, it felt like the world was telling me, "you are stupid, get out of this now".

I was exhausted. I was lonely.

 I grew up making fun of how emotional my family was. If you ever saw me cry, you knew I was not only mad, but I was furious. But let me tell you... The tears that I saved up for those 27 years all came in those few months. I cried all the time. Constantly. I wore myself out from all the tears, and I know my household thought I belonged in a looney bin. How do you deal with life at that point? You are so alone, nobody really supports you, but you know God has you here for a reason.

Then it got a little worse. I started listening to everyone. Doubting this was God's plan. Maybe they were all right. How do you stop listening to the world, when it seems to constantly surround you? If I'm honest and vulnerable, my prayers even changed. Instead of praying He would use me as needed, I asked for Him to make it clear if He was slamming the doors shut. But, I can look back now and admit that on the hardest of days, I was only looking for an out. 

I needed something to give. Home life to be easier, Beka to work less, my job to be less stressful or everyone to stop talking and maybe just listen. Well, February of 2013, God did just that... And I can't wait to share how He once again worked it out, only as He can.