Can we stay with you?

First off, let me apologize for taking months to write again. Life has been crazy! Wonderful, but crazy. My last post ended with both of us being out of work and taking on the parenting 100% together. As I look back at those months, I only see a massive blessing now. We all needed that time to connect. Being "forced" to be all together, at all times, was challenging. Yes, there were the days we felt like we were on top of each other. But, I am so thankful for that. It was a game changer for us. Slowly during those months, I began to build very strong relationships with both the kids. We were finally comfortable being the real us. Mostly, they were finally ready to start being honest about all the feelings they were having. 

If you know me at all, you know how much I love good talks. It truly is a favorite of mine. Alliyah began to really open up to me. We found ourselves constantly talking about things. They varied from school issues to her past. But all of the topics meant something to me. It meant she was finally ready to trust me. 

Beka and the kids had become my world. Don't get me wrong... I had my days of annoyance and being worn out. My head was still being filled by people with my option to just walk away. But, something had changed. I had fallen in love with the kids. I can't even begin to count the times that I would tell Beka I was so tired and felt that life didn't make sense, but I couldn't imagine my life without them. Yes, the crying was still very constant at this time. 

The main question from family and friends was... "Ok, so this has been neat, but how long are you really going to do this?" I never had an answer. I wanted to look at everyone and say... "Don't you think I worry about that enough without you asking also?" That was not my answer though. It was always the answer of God's timing. I can admit now that I was also assuring myself of that along with answering them. 

One day Alliyah pulled me and Beka into the bedroom. She had a question. "Nana (Beka), what happens to me and Gavin if you die?" Then quickly turns to me and said, "can we stay with you?" Thank the Lord for previous conversations that had already taken place with the adults. Weeks prior to that, Beka and I had a similar talk. I agreed that I would take the kids should something tragic happen. We talked about me being able to keep the kids in the same house, school and church. Should something happen to Beka, another change would be the last thing they needed. So, thankfully that day, we were both able to look Alliyah in the eyes and give her the answer of yes, and that was the plan. She smiled,said good, and was on her way. I know this sounds simple and an unimportant part of the story. But for our girl, it was huge. Alliyah will worry and think about something for weeks/months before talking about it. We are still working on this. We know now, that she was very stressed about what would happen to her. The worry that she carried for weeks about that question was solved quickly and her mind was put at ease. 

July 2013, Beka was given permanent custody of the kids. It had been over a year since the day we brought them home. There were countless court dates, many battles and lots of hard news to tell the kids. But that day, we felt like we had finally won the race. Until our attorney said these words. "Their biological mother still has her parenting rights." Wait... What??? She could still fight for them? Would she? Is this always going to be an issue? So many questions filled our heads in those few seconds. We asked how it could all stop. Her answer was one word that changed everything... Adoption. 

We had never even thought about it. With all the custody battles, emergency, temporary and permanent, adoption was never a word spoken between us. Beka decided right then that she would immediately start the paper work to begin her adoption journey of the children. 

Weeks later, Beka and I were having a talk on the porch. And yet again, God had been working in both of our hearts. We both told each other we wanted to talk. And yes, without knowing, God had been laying the same thoughts and plans with us separately. Another conversation began and we slowly learned we needed to discuss the same thing with each other. This decision was a life changer. One that was completely not in my life plan at all. A decision I knew would shake up my family and friends to question me yet again. A decision that would bring me to my knees in a way I have never felt before. A decision that would change everything I thought my future held. The decision that I would adopt the kids. 

His ways are not our own

"All things work for our good. Though sometimes we can't see how they could. Struggles that break our hearts in two, sometimes blind us to the truth. Our Father knows what's best for us. His ways are not our own. So when your pathway grows dim, and you just can't see Him, remember you're never alone. God is too wise to be mistaken. God is too good to be unkind. So when you don't understand, when you don't see His plan, when you can't trace His hand...trust His heart."

February 2013, a month to remember. I was teaching preschool. A job I had been at for 4 years. Many ups and downs, and lots of mixed feelings about it. But at that point in my life, I was more miserable there then ever before. And most of the reasons had nothing to do with the job itself. It was difficult driving to work exhausted and coming home the same way. And it was even more difficult, because I truly didn't feel connected to my "work babies" like I had in the past. My heart wasn't there. It was completely at home. On the 6th of that month, I put my 2 week notice in. And let me say, I bawled my eyes out. But in all honesty, my crying had nothing to do with leaving my job. It was the last part left in my life that was the "old Casey". And I was saying goodbye to that, and changing one more thing to make the new life work. As miserable as I was at my job, in that moment, I wanted to cling to it and make every new and scary situation in my life disappear. 

My boss didn't quite agree with my decision. But I told her I wasn't being fair to anyone. My kids at home needed someone to give themselves fully. All children need attention, but at that time, my kids needed that and SO much more. And my preschool kids needed a good focused teacher, and I could no longer be that for them. It wasn't fair to my kids in any spectrum of my life. 

3 days later.... I was folding laundry on a Friday night, when Beka called. I assumed she was telling me that she was headed home. Nope, she was on the way to the hospital. She had broken her foot. We knew it wasn't good. In her line of work, she stands for many hours everyday. There was no way this was going to work out. To speed up this praticular storyline, she had to stay out of work for the next 5 months. We never dreamed on that night at the hospital, that was going to be the road ahead of us.

So, within 72 hours, we were both out of a job. Friends, this destroyed me. An infamous day that I am not proud of... I couldn't...no, wouldn't get out of bed. I cried and then cried some more. How were we going to work this out, and how were we going to raise these 2 kids?

 You know how you have a few of "those people" in your life, that don't have to hold back when telling you something? Well, Beka is that for me. She came in the bedroom and told me to get up. Not that I should, or it would be better for me, but just to do it. It was exactly what I needed in that moment. She held me and let me cry and vent and be angry. And then she simply reminded me that I had to trust Him. No big speech or fancy words, but the simple amazing truth. 

God answered many prayers for me that month, and I honestly didn't even notice them at the time. I now had the stress of my job lifted from my shoulders. Beka was working a lot less(or in this case not at all). We were able to tackle parenting our kids 100% of the time together as a team, and the kids blossomed from that. They got back in counseling, and slowly the issues became a little less. We were able to take the time and focus completely on our household and what God needed us to do. And finally, a year later, we started becoming a family. And in all this, slowly but surely, an outside support system of family and friends was beginning to build.

I feel so silly when I look back at that time now. I prayed for specific things, and when God answered in His ways... I lost it. That month went from being what felt like hell on earth, to now being the biggest blessing. What a reminder to trust Him, even when His ways are not our own.

The story continues and has lots of craziness in it. Good and bad. But this is the beginning. I wish I had kept a log of the amount of people who have said one common thing: "I hope the blog answers the questions I have". So here is my idea. My next post will be a FAQ one. And then I will continue our story. So, feel free to message me on Facebook or email casey.deel@yahoo.com with any question. I will not include your name in the blog. And please, if you know me at all, you know there is no crazy question, and I am happy to answer anything. This should be interesting! :-). Thank you all for the amazing support in sharing our life. It has blown me away

Hard to handle blessings

"'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops. What if your healing comes through tears. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near. What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise."

God has made everything so clear and opened every door for our family. The road should be paved for us and easy...right?! I should feel confident in my decisions and the world around me should be excited about it....right?! God's voice and presence should be as obvious every day, as it has been up to this point...right?! And our family should continue to bond and fall in love with each other...right?!

Wrong! And let me tell you, that knocked me down in some massive ways. 

Beka and I refer to that next year as, the year of survival. I moved in the end of that July. The kids started back to school and Beka started work on the same day. I refer to the night before that a lot of times. Beka had to be at work at 5 for her first day. So around 8:30 that evening, she announced she was going to bed, wasn't sure when she would see us the next day, and pretty much, let the craziness begin. I remember sitting there in silence as I looked around the living room at the kids. Showers and bed time were about to happen and I was alone. My honest thought was... What have I gotten myself into?

That season Beka averaged about 16 hours each work day. That meant that most of the time, she was absent during the work week. It was common for 3 or 4 days to go by and the kids not see her at all. We knew it was hard for her, but it was also hard for the kids. Somehow in the midst of being amazed by God's hand in things, we looked over an important detail. The kids really didn't know me THAT well. So here they were: father has died, mother has chosen other things over them, nana (Beka) is always at work and Casey is all of a sudden the main person in their lives. Of course Beka and I saw this as a great way God worked things out, and it was. But in the eyes of the kids, it really wasn't that "awesome". It wasn't until a few months ago that Alliyah finally confided in me about this time. She said she loved me, but trust wasn't there (they don't trust a lot of people, and I don't blame them). It was hard for her to only have me there, and not really know me. 

So this led to lots of attitude. And lots of anger. And people, I mean lots. I can only pick out a hand full of days from that time that were good... And that's it. Their hearts were broken and they struggled to figure out how they felt. Alliyah had the attitude, but she also shut us all out. Gavin was the vocal one. Most days he became physical, and everyday you could hear exactly how he felt. Some days it would only last 10 minutes, and others went from after school til bedtime. And those days, lasted forever. These kids were hurting and needed so much. And they deserved the best they could get.

At this point I was still working at the preschool. So my days went like this: get kids to school, work all day, drive home praying for an "ok" day, dealing with whatever emotions they had, homework, dinner, activities, showers and bed. And doing it alone. I don't mean this in a poor pitiful me way, it's just important for the story. They were horrible days. And Beka, bless her heart was exhausted. Not only was she working insane hours, her home life had drastically changed, and most importantly, she found no time to truly grieve her son's death. Life was difficult all the way around. She did her best to be there when she could. But, at the time, it wasn't enough for me. Instead of being thankful for her help, I chose to be negative and say it wasn't enough. Man, honesty is hard! 

I made one huge mistake at this point. I shut Beka out. I felt like she had enough on her plate already. I stopped being honest with her when I saw it was breaking her heart. So, here I was dreading home life, and she was praising God for the fact that it was getting better.  Lesson learned my friends. That helps nobody.

 If I'm honest...i was quite miserable. But, this wasn't the worst thing going on in my life. 

The events leading up to this year happen quickly. Took me by surprise. So, obviously it also shocked the people in my life.  This was the year I lost most of my relationships. Some before I even moved in the house. I was reminded all the time that: Beka was a random choice for a friend, these weren't my kids, I was being used by Beka, was I there for the wrong reasons, I should just walk away because I would get in over my head, or the most common one... All my time was spent there and it wasn't ok. Let me tell you, this came from everyone. Family (mine and Beka's), friends, aquantinces and people I barely spoke to. At most times, it felt like the world was telling me, "you are stupid, get out of this now".

I was exhausted. I was lonely.

 I grew up making fun of how emotional my family was. If you ever saw me cry, you knew I was not only mad, but I was furious. But let me tell you... The tears that I saved up for those 27 years all came in those few months. I cried all the time. Constantly. I wore myself out from all the tears, and I know my household thought I belonged in a looney bin. How do you deal with life at that point? You are so alone, nobody really supports you, but you know God has you here for a reason.

Then it got a little worse. I started listening to everyone. Doubting this was God's plan. Maybe they were all right. How do you stop listening to the world, when it seems to constantly surround you? If I'm honest and vulnerable, my prayers even changed. Instead of praying He would use me as needed, I asked for Him to make it clear if He was slamming the doors shut. But, I can look back now and admit that on the hardest of days, I was only looking for an out. 

I needed something to give. Home life to be easier, Beka to work less, my job to be less stressful or everyone to stop talking and maybe just listen. Well, February of 2013, God did just that... And I can't wait to share how He once again worked it out, only as He can.

The choices we make...

Life changes in a blink of an eye. Every choice we make plays a role in our future. Little did I know, one small choice would open a path that I never saw coming.

We had been in the Foundations class for about 5 weeks. By this point, I had made a few more connections with people, one of them being Beka. We weren't even what I would call friends at this point, except in the world of Facebook. On Feburary 22nd 2012, her son, Khris, passed away. He was 36, and it was very sudden. On a side note, I love hearing stories about this man. No, he wasn't perfect, none of us are. But, these kids sure did love him, and he was a great dad. It is coming up on the 2nd anniversary of his death. I'm so glad the kids are opening up more everyday, and allowing their heads and hearts to really think about him, and share the happy and sad thoughts that they feel.

My mom and Beka had been friends for years. So, when the news of Khris' death came out, our family wanted to do what we could to help. I remember the day of the funeral for a couple random reasons. That was the first day I saw "my kids". I remember standing off at the side of the room at the reception. I just watched the kids for a few minutes. My heart ached for them. I didn't know them, but I remember seeing them run around and praying that God would wrap His arms around them. I laughed watching them awkwardly talk to people. As typical with most children, they had no desire to talk to people they didn't really know. I remember laughing to myself as I watched that. These are small memories, but precious to me. Who would have ever guessed at this point...

Going back to choices we make. A few days after the funeral, I sent Beka a message on Facebook. I asked if she wanted to go grab dinner somewhere and just talk. We both agree now, that this was random for both of us. Why did I ask? And why did she agree to go? Not normal for either of us. The feelings are mutual of that day. We both drove there wishing partly that we weren't going and nervous of what it would be like. She was worried I would just talk about her sons death and I was worried we would sit there in silence. We couldn't have been more wrong. Before I knew it, we were both pouring out our hearts to each other. I found myself telling her things, few people knew about me. We laughed a lot, teared up a few times and left promising to hang out again soon.

Before I knew it, God had blessed me with an amazing friend. Those next few weeks led to some of my favorite times in our friendship. Dinners, lots of laughs, her getting me into the show 24, and working on the house. Working on the house.... Another small way God worked all of this out, only the way that He can. Beka and her son,Khris, had started remodeling the house a few months before he died. So after his death, she wanted to continue. It also helped her to just do something, change things, and also without her knowing, God had a purpose. We worked on two bedrooms in the house. Gutted them completely. There are great stories of hours of organizing, shredding papers and the day I ruined part of the hardwood floor. These rooms were left empty, and open to any idea she may have.

April 13th, 2012... Let the wonderful craziness begin. It was a normal day at work for me. That day, I got a feeling like I had never felt. Out of nowhere, I had a horrible feeling and felt very pushed to contact Beka, and to do it right then. I remember asking the director to please step in my classroom, and that I had to make an emergency phone call ASAP. I practically ran outside to use my phone. That was how crazy that feeling felt. Beka answered, and her response was along the lines of, "how did you know?" I had not talked to her in a few days, but apparently they had been a little insane. Without going into personal details, I will explain the kids mom in some vague words. She has had an addiction problem for the kids whole lives, she was absent more than present in their world, and she always left the family in a good questioning game of what that week would hold. Well, those past few days had a few events that caused worry for Beka when it came to the kids. So, on April 13th, she went to file for emergency custody. She had called her daughter to tell her, and as soon as they hung up, that's when I called. I immediately left work, and drove to meet her at the house. 

I was the random choice for this. It could have been countless family members, not the friend who hadn't even been around for 3 months yet. But, that wasn't His plan. We drove my car, and went to pick up the kids. I was a nervous wreck on the way there. I didn't know these children and we weren't sure how the mother was going to respond. Out of respect for my kids, I won't go into the details of that afternoon. It was hard and very sad. The kids adore their nana, Beka, but nobody wants to be taken from their mommy, no matter what the situation. It took hours, and that day will forever be burned in my mind. We asked the kids what they wanted to do,and they decided to go grab a bite to eat at the Mexican restaurant. That may have been the most awkward meal of my life. My kids have now admitted to me, they were furious at me at that point. Who was I, and why did I help take them away from their home? 

We left the restaurant and made beds for the kids....in the newly cleaned out and empty bedrooms. Awesome right?! And then my heart melted... Gavin, 9 at the time, asked me to just stay with him on the couch til he fell asleep. I will NEVER forget those moments of playing with his hair and holding back tears. This boy didn't know me at all, but God instantly formed a bond. 

The next few months were actually pretty easy. Beka didn't work, so she could be with them. I started coming over a few nights a week after work. It honestly started because it was close to my job and I could miss rush hour traffic if I went there first. But then, more reasons happened. These kids had my heart. Gavin continued to ask me to stay until he fell asleep. So, I started spending the night. It never felt awkward or random. It just felt right. We all were able to be there and bond and slowly get to know each other. 

One day that July, I came over after work. Beka was sitting on the front porch, and it was obvious she was crying and had been for a while. She informed me that she got her dream job offer that day. She works in the film industry, and had always traveled to work on different movies. When she got the kiddos, that obviously came to a stop. There was going to be a new tv series, Nashville, that was going to be filmed right here at home. She was called that day, and asked to come be the Key Hairstylist. I was so excited for her, but didn't understand all the sad tears. It was then that she explained the long work hours and it was impossible for her to do that and the kids. Without missing a beat, she would have stayed home, and  been there for them, no questions asked. But it was such an ironic answer to prayer, that just didn't seem possible. 

I grew up hearing people say they felt led by God. That they knew without a doubt He was calling them to something. I never had that feeling until that day. And before I knew what was coming out of my mouth, I said, "take the job, I'll move in, and we will figure this all out". And trust me, this is just the beginning!

Perfect Timing... Even when I don't realize it

To start the story, I think it's important to start back almost 3 years ago. To summerize my life: preschool teacher, 25 living with single best friend of 20+ years, no big responsibilities and miserable. Don't get me wrong, I was very blessed. I laughed all the time, had amazing friends and always had fun plans. But so much seemed to be missing. Amy, the roommate/best friend, and I, look back and laugh at that year all the time. We were "those" single 20 something's. There is no way to count the endless nights we sat on the couch talking and dreaming about the men we wanted to marry and the kids we wanted to have. 

This was also after a failed relationship. One that moved too fast and was too serious all in the blink of an eye. So, here I was desperate for a family, and also confused on what kind of man I wanted to be with. And let me tell you all, this consumed my thoughts. Yes...I admit it, consumed. This brings me to a random day that I was driving home from work. A day that I knew was special, but had no clue how special it was. I gave God everything. My fears, dreams, ideas and any thoughts I had for my future. I asked Him to please just take the desire away for "the man and kids" that my heart ached for. I prayed to learn contentment in my current life, asked forgiveness for not trusting Him and ended the prayer with exciting hope for what He had in store. No matter what that might be.

The other important fact for this story was my church. I grew up going to the same church,The Donelson Fellowship. I was there until my jr year in college. I attended another local church for 4 years. During the year of craziness, that I have refered to above, God started working in my heart. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I kept feeling led to go back to my home church. This was very emotional for me. And at that point in my life, I was not emotional at all. I cried every Sunday and any time I allowed myself to really think about it. So... We jump to August of 2011....I went back to my home church. 

It was strange being back. People had changed... I had changed. These were folks I had not only known my whole life, but who had always been family to me. And for most of them, I had put up a wall while I had been away. It was hard coming back, and in many ways feeling like it was a fresh start. But I couldn't ignore the overwhelming sense of peace that I had. It didn't make sense to me, and I was still very uncertain of why I felt God leading me back there.

For months I searched for a LifeGroup (Sunday school) that felt right. Then January of 2012, there was a class called Foundations offered. It would run for 12 weeks. I decided to try it. Honestly, because I wouldn't have to keep trying out more LifeGroups for at least a few months. So, January 15th, I went to the first class. It was small. Only about 12 people. My eyes shot around the room to see if I knew anyone. Sitting at the end of the conference table was Beka Wilson. I had talked to her a few times. She always did the hair and make up for the church plays. She seemed nice. We made eye contact, and I quickly took a seat next to her. And I guess you can say.... This is how it all truly began.

God's "Out of the Box" Plans

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

If I had a dollar for every time I have heard this verse in my life. It was one of the first that I memorized. It was thrown around during difficult times with my family. It was written in more graduation cards than I can count. But at 28 years of age... I have finally stopped and realized how amazing it is.

I have also learned that it is easy to be excited when your plan and God's plan are the same. When they are drastically different... That's another story. I am starting this blog because I have a story to tell. I am now in the middle of an Out of the Box, or unusual plan, that I have no doubt is God's plan for me. Through the past two years, I have been blessed in more ways than I would honestly ever deserve. But that is not all that has happened in these years.

I have also realized how much myself and others put God in a box. I have had countless people question my life,choices and actions. And if I'm honest, I had many conversations with God, and admitted to Him that I didn't always understand. The path He has for me is not normal.  I can't compare it with my friends. Most people just don't understand. It isn't the life that my friends are leading. It's different in every way.... And I love it!

So, how did I become the mom of 2 middle school kiddos???  I can't wait to share! I hope this blog will answer questions that I know are out there. I pray God can use this to remind us all that He is a God of amazing different plans for us all, and those plans don't always fit into a mold. And mostly, I hope my kids can look back at this one day and see our amazing God story. I always hope the story of us becoming a family, doesn't point them towards me, but to see how loved they are by Him.